Too young to figure out, too old to wait

I finally settled down in CA, got the job I like and started to work on things I want. Yet there is still one thing haunt my mind: I wish I was three years younger. I probably don't have to worry about lots of things, don't have to be so scared about making a wrong decision, and probably don't have to make so many plans that stress me out.

They say it's never too late.

I want to say "Yes, it is", but I decided to change and go with "It depends". Last year, someone told me about the CEO of a startup is three years younger than him and is better than him in both technical skills and persistence. I told him you came from a different background and there is never too late for anything. He thought I didn't understand him and I was naive.

Now I am in a similar situation hoping if I could be three years younger. I definitely don't want what he wants, but as I step into my job, things are getting clearer. However, I have just started as a new grad and I have so many things I need to learn. And life is getting more complicated as I am older. I feel suffocated sometime.

Last night, I had a long conversation with my friend. The third time he talked about an amazing personality test, I told him I wouldn't do it if it will cost me anything. It's not about I don't want to know more about myself. Sometimes I am curious about what about me that is still hidden from me. Yet I am confident that I have known enough about myself that anything I still don't know doesn't worth a penny (or I am just arrogant :) ).

The reason I brought up this is because I realize all the stress, fear, regrets and everything else came from my personality: the ultimate double-edged sword -- responsibility. This is definitely a good type of personality (in most ways), but it becomes a burden when one treats it too important, like me. I always feel responsible to my work, my family and my friends. I would avoid taking charge of things because I think the responsibility would suffocate me. Most of them don't, and I always end up well. But the fear of it haunts me and holds me back.

There is one thing I learned from the popular movie Inside out: Everything has two sides, you just have to find the balance. I guess I am still too young (?) to figure that out.

At the end of last year, I regretted that because of my mistake I lost a friend. In the next couple months, I thought I was trying to make things better, it turned out to have made things even worse. In April, he complained to my friend calling me "having negative EQ". I didn't talk to him for three months. Considering he helped me a lot when I needed most (looking for jobs), I tried to amend with him and talked to him again, only to get the angry mail "I think you are annoying, stupid and hypocritical", that did not only hurt but also made me sick. In the next couple days I kept thinking what I did wrong this time, I couldn't think any. After the grievance and emotion was gone, I realize I was not the only one who made things irreparable. Even now I am still regretful for the mistake I made. And from time to time I would think what if... It probably is because I felt so sorry about what I did and thought about the help he gave me that I was too tolerant on how he treated me. And he took it for granted. Then one day I couldn't take it anymore and things got screwed up.

That was the worst relationship experience I have ever had with a person I think overall is decent and in another case I would admire. But now when I think about it every time it makes me sick. I imagine all the time that I have an eraser, wipe everything in my mind and start all over again. Yet I don't have one, and unless there is a huge accident happen to me (please don't) I probably won't lose that part of memory, at least for a very long time. I know it started from me but if he could be less asshole to piss me off things might not be like this.

Yet I don't have a time machine nor Doraemon .  All I have is a lesson I learned after this mess. It probably is true that I learn something for every mistake I make. But I am too old to not having understood lots of things, and I don't feel I am patient enough to wait.

But God is a bitch. She doesn't give you what you want until you struggle enough and ready to give up. They say you never figure out everything. I hope when I am too old to mess everything up I understand most of the things I want. Or not?