I used to write this every year. Except last year, I wrote a small piece on WeChat. I think I was too lazy, and used that "it is OK"excuse. Then I was drown in this excuse.
I was not open, not willing to share anything about myself. Primarily, now I think, is because of my ego. Until last year, that thing happened, I was desperate, and I made an impulsive decision to share my story with another person. It turned out to be a good decision. He was also in a similar situation back then, so we kind of shared our feelings. I remembered he told me, Shirley, you should share yourself with other people, they help you to act correctly. He also said, Shirley, you need to accept the reality, you grieve, and when you hit the bottom, you will move on. Now that I think of this, I didn't listen to him, because I am making the same mistake again. I am rejecting. But the truth is, I don't want to accept it. It's not rational, and it doesn't make sense. Maybe it's my ego again, it's humiliating. But probably, the truth is there. And I am so scared that if I accept it, I will not move on.
That sharing and the following Christmas trip helped me a lot. I quickly moved on to the new year. I was struggling on what I want to do after I graduate for years. I finally made my decision early this year: go to California. That wasn't an impulsion. I had a conversation with the guy who offered me an internship the year before, and it turned out I would never get a chance to work for the company. Combining other factors to the industry and my personal geographical preference, I made the decision. Ironically, the year before, when I visited California for the first time, I told my friend, no, I don't want to live here, it's not fast paced enough for me.
I changed, very quickly.
That decision definitely led to lots of doubts, again. Jeff said, hey, you said you wanted to pursue finance. What he meant was, see, I told you don't know what you want, you should stick with your major. Unfortunately I do, but I couldn't speak of the reasons. I was willing to take the risk, and I thought I would be ok, but I backed off, I scared, I cannot make any mistakes, not again.
I was lucky to come here. Even though I always say I hate the place, no doubt I learned a lot, I got a lot here. Yet it's such a small and peaceful city, people are nice around, they always give you hope, they tell you what you want to hear, and they convince you you will be ok. No, I won't. I almost forget the reality, the truth out there, evilly smiling at me. I am grateful that I have friends who remind me the truth, who are harsh on me. It doesn't feel good, I wish I will never have to talk to them again, but I keep going back. Because even though they never say it, I know they care.
Now I am at the stage that I am facing the reality. Maybe because I am around a group of people who don't work hard, and maybe because I am in this place where people would rather "enjoy their lives", and maybe I shared too much and too many people tell me "it's OK", and I was blind. No, the truth is, I didn't work hard enough. I was thinking about too many other things. I was so into those nonsense compliments, I thought, I was OK.
My friend's harsh words woke me up. And I made so many mistakes that I lost him. I do regret about what I have done, but there is nothing I can change. I understand the fact, I know what I should do. I am grateful and I am sorry about my vexatious behaviors.
He said, you are childish and you are self defensive. My mum said, you are stubborn. They are both right. Now that I am thinking of it, every time I accept them because rationally I know I should listen. But every time I didn't. I always tell myself that they don't know me, those are their personal opinions and they may not be right. And I keep making the same mistake.
But somehow I am resisting to grow up. I have seen part of me being mature, and it is, cruel. My friend said, when you accept the truth, you realize it's not bad, and it makes your life easier. I never want an easy life. I am scared that if I choose to totally accept the truth, accept the things I think is correct, I will become the person I don't like. All those passions and dreams, they will fade away. I understand they will, eventually. My professor told me, when you have a family, you realize you won't have time for yourself. I said, yeah, life is boring, I need to find an interesting job. And this is the thing that keeps me moving forward. I know I am loosing hope, I am desperate. But it's my childish and naive thoughts, the passion there, that still keeps me alive. I don't give up, not until I totally fail.
My friend said, it's ok (well, another one) that you make mistakes. Months later, you will laugh about this. I know, I can totally predict what I will be after three months, even though I am thinking about the different thing. It's emotion, and I hate it. I hate that I am emotional, and impulsive. When I was younger, I didn't regret about my decision, I thought it was because the person I am. Now I do, I regret the mistake (maybe because I didn't listen to my friend last year) I made. I keep questioning myself, and I doubt myself. I always think that I understand myself very well, but I keep changing (I changed again on something else last summer), now I feel I don't know about myself. Maybe I should add some error term in my prediction model of myself (it's a joke, I am not even in a mood of making jokes, but I couldn't help, laugh at my life!).
Every time I made a mistake, I lost something. When I was young and reckless, I had enough time to make mistakes and I didn't learn from them. Now I am regretting. And there is nothing I can do, but to learn and remember not to make the same mistake next time.
I like Regina Spektor's Hero, because I thought "I am the hero of the story don't need to be saved", now I think I am just stupid and, yeah, childish.
2014, another year ends, I am growing old, yet I am not growing up. I know who to trust, who to love, who to run from, who to hug, but I didn't learn how to deal with all of them.
So next year, I really don't know what will happen. I am excited, yet scared, just like I sometimes like driving in the dark. I am willing to know what will happen, and I am willing to know if I will change and grow up.
Be grateful about what you have. There are children in this world who died before they start their lives, there are people who sacrificed their lives for the passion they had, and there are people who are fighting even though they understand the cruelty.
"When you say it's gonna happen "now",
When exactly do you mean? see I've already
Waited too long and all my hope is gone"
No, it's not. I only live once, and I will make it count.
P.S., I am really sorry and, thank you.
